Repost / What hope feels like.

The breeze enveloped me into a brisk hug that I couldn’t escape. My body shivered at the feeling of no floor beneath my foot as I rose it towards my end. I remind myself of all good and bad. Mostly all bad that led me here unknowingly. I have no power over the wandering thoughts, each a mini me, each a result of my distasteful act that I now finally regret. I confine my heart in the corner of my mind and ask it to shut the fuck up. The beating needs to stop, it’s a noisy sound to my ears. My head is up high but not with any means of dignity. I’m a sinner, as I call it. I’m ugly as I recall every moment when I looked in the mirror and looked for the flaws which unite me as a whole. I am undeserving, unworthy. I want end, just as much as it wants to envelope me like this breeze. On the top of this cliff, I never realized how high I was, and how much it could hurt if I fell down. But I wanted to sleep, a very long sleep. I look beyond and never beneath because it’d only scare me from my desires to be free. My foot which hung in the air waiting to find a place to land, I wanted an adventure. I always wanted to bungee jump, just once, only once. This felt exactly like the right moment. I wanted out of this freezing wind and into deeper shadows of my misery with a peaceful sound at the landing. I wanted… to leave.

Then why, god why, am I tied to this thing? Why am I chained down to something pulling me from behind. Am I being rescued or punished? Where is freedom anyways? I don’t know. Is it in knowing that all I left is blooming in the midst of my destruction and pain? All that I left loving left me in vain? Do I need to step into an unfathomable abyss that when it ends it ends me, or on a bed of roses but only until I walked through the path of coal and flames? But I can’t stop it. I’m being pulled back, away and away. And as if I came across something so perfect, too perfect, I felt a stranger stepping amidst all the feelings I ever felt. Something to guide me when I’m lost on my way home, or when I’m drunk and decide to confess my crimes to a cop, or when I’m under water not knowing that I’ve drowned. I feel it’s power of healing after the daggers go through my heart like Caesar’s assassination, only that I can survive. So, I look away from what I thought I wanted, and at something bright and that calls me much eagerly. The rays that erase all curses on my well being, I want it. If I reach somewhere safe, I’ll reach heaven.

A heaven that I can witness…

Thanks for stopping by. ❤

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2 Comments Add yours

  1. You truly have a way with describing things, I was lost in this piece. Great job!

    Liked by 1 person

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