“It’s like you forget about living life and being vulnerable to the world. You forget how life works.”
I’m having my summer vacations right now and feeling extremely bored, nauseous mostly. I have spent a lot of time at my home inside my room, with curtains fully drawn and no sight of outer life reflecting from those walls. When I do get out and considering the atmosphere, it reminds me of the movie ‘The Martian’ and I still don’t know why. Don’t worry, I’m not depressed or anything like that, just a bit anxious and trying to calm myself. I’m calling it isolation because it feels like that in many ways. It feels like some sort of an exercise to feel better because I’m tired of everything and I needed a break that I deserved.
Everyone needs some personal space, and as much as I desperately seek it, I find myself uneasy in many ways. I’ve been completely housebound for two and a half months, so I figured that I can share what I experienced throughout. Here are some Highs and Lows of Isolation.
- You find peace. Away from the hubbub of a bigger crowd, you’re limited to mostly family or closest friends and the sweet sounds of music and television. You feel comfortable snuggling into your bed, with soft pillows and blankets with a handful of snacks and reading novels. You feel relaxed and comforted.
- You recollect your thoughts. Sometimes, the workload can practically kill your mindfulness. Personal life can get uneasy and full of stress while you try and handle your relationships. You get so frustrated and burdened so, you need some alone time. You can stay with just your body and thoughts so that you give them some time to get recollected and soothes your nerves.
- You can improve your health. Now that you’re absolutely free, you have the time to finally plan your long lost wish of having a proper diet and exercise. If you respect your time and to you, your body is a temple– then I’m sure you’d want to lose some inches off of your belly or like me: gain weight.
- Time with your family. You can’t avoid family which is the truth in my isolation. I’ve lost touch with the outside world but there are some things you just can’t avoid. For me, this is the best thing so far in this experience. I get to be more candid with them the way I could never when I had school going on or was a social person. I get to open up and feel reassured of every single doubt you ever had about where your relationship stands with them.
- Gaining confidence. Now that you’ve recollected your thoughts, it will be easier for you to go to different places and be more fluent with people. You feel confident and brave enough to approach people and start a pleasant conversation and be more friendly in nature.
- You get into your own head. I’ve never been so moody as I feel right now. Sometimes I’m angry and frustrated, and then after a while, I’m as ecstatic as I can be. There are a lot of changes happening that I can’t really explain. I end up overreacting or acting strange and clumsy which is unacceptable to me as I’m completely opposite of that. The only thing I know is that it is happening to me because when I’m thinking too much; I don’t figure it out and then get all worked up.
- Lazy AF. If you’re expecting to have a great time at home doing absolutely nothing, it isn’t exactly possible. The weather, first of all, will make you want to go nuts or in a sort of way makes you uncomfortable and lazy: summer, winter or whatever it may be. I’m lazy myself; from writing a post on this blog to taking a shower (which means: from the most important thing to the preferably least important thing) I powerless enough to not do them. Secondly, your life has been slowed down at a pace of a turtle from the famous ‘Rabbit and Turtle’ story, and so does your body. Lastly, isolation ain’t easy.
- Thinking about future. I think it’s completely different from overthinking because isolation is going to reach some dead end, where your life actually begins. As for me, I’m terrified of starting my junior year in a new high school and finally decide what I’m supposed to do with this life and find the right track to continue on. I’ve considered opting humanities which suits me (apparently I don’t see myself as a medical student or sitting in an office cubicle wondering why I ended up there), but there is always a doubt somewhere in my mind about everything I ever do, literally. I always think that whether I should do what everyone else is doing because it always is the right option, or should I take a risk and pursue my unpredictable dreams. This is, to me, the hardest thing ever.
- Losing touch with people. I’m not very talkative and keep most of my thoughts to myself because they may sound complicated to others. As most of my thoughts die in my own head, I lost contact with people who were even a bit close. Relatives, cousins, friends or even family, you become more of a loner-type than a smiling-and-chatting-all-the-time-type. When you’re in isolation, you’ll find it comforting for a while but then it’ll pinch you every day that no one talks to you at all. And if you do get out to meet new people, there will be a sense of insecurity and shyness in your voice as you speak to them. I consider it a major issue as you lose your confidence.
- The feeling of running out of time. I’m trying my best to watch every show or movie on Netflix as faster as I can because I don’t want to miss anything. I’m trying to write and be as much dedicated to music as I used to be. I’m trying to finish off every novel that I haven’t read yet. But I always feel that soon this time will be over and I won’t be able to do these things because then I have to focus on academics. This can be one of the worst feelings, as it somehow affects my health.
This is it. All I know about isolation. There’s still a lot to tell you but I’m currently feeling nauseous (AGAIN?!). I just want you to know that whatever you may consider from this post, I hope you realize that you must do what makes you happy. Do what helps you feel good. Do what is meant to be done. Just do it. ;D
With love, Anchal. ❤️